One evening last week, my next door neighbor suddenly and unexpectedly died.
For days there were cars lined up and down the street, visitors offering condolences to the family, bringing food and such. I didn’t go over there for a while; we were cordial but not close friends, and I felt it would be intrusive to walk into a gathering of their friends and churchmates. But the other neighbors and I have all sort of teamed up to help out the family, clearing the snow for them and suchlike. His wife came out and talked to me a little bit while I was doing that, and I got some of the details and was able to offer regrets, such as I can. It’s awkward, though, and partly it’s because of the language. I feel uncomfortable with standard euphemisms, but the way our social structure is set up, we’re also made to feel uncomfortable with direct language in situations like this, which leaves me with no way to say it.
Common polite euphemisms for death have all been deconstructed over the years by my brain’s wordplay generator until they mean something else to me. “She lost her husband.” Well, where did you have him last? Don’t worry, he’ll turn up eventually. “He passed.” And what, hit an oncoming car? “He’s no longer with us.” Does that mean he’s against us now?
The euphemisms often revolve around religious beliefs. “Passed on” is explicit in the idea that the dead person is alive somewhere else right now. “He’s in a better place” is another one. Interestingly, since my neighbor was a Jehovah’s Witness, I found myself in closer agreement on at least one point than I would ordinarily be with a religious person; JWs believe that a dead person is simply dead, not in heaven or hell. They also believe in an eventual rapture where the dead saved people will come back and be with god, and of course I think that’s absurd; but right now, as far as they’re concerned, he’s gone, and I agree about that part.
Nonetheless it is common for the religious to swoop to the grieving and start talking faith. They see this as comforting. I see it as shameless huckstering at best and unpardonable manipulation of the vulnerable at worst. I can’t imagine what would possess me to go next door and start selling atheism to my neighbor’s widow. How tacky that would be, and how rude! I’m pretty sure I would get the universal frown of disapproval from the religious for that, even though I think atheism’s take on what happens when you die is a lot more comforting than all the fire-or-bliss promises that religion offers.
This is another one of those areas in which atheism has a PR disadvantage compared to religion. If you think you’re carrying god’s message, you don’t worry about whether it’s the right time to share it; you spooge it out all over everything like snail slime wherever you go. And we are so accustomed to this that it seems normal in most cases, and we only notice it when it’s really egregious. God gives you a license to be tastelessly in people’s faces everywhere and all the time; atheism doesn’t have that latitude and tends to practice restraint. Because of that, even the most modest expressions of atheism (like the bus signs or Good Without God billboards) are condemned by hypocritical christians as being oppressive to them, because they’re not accustomed to seeing any other viewpoint being publicly promoted. They think, because traditionally religion has enjoyed special privilege in this regard, that theirs is the only viewpoint that should have privilege at all.
I’m not arguing that I should be able to go to funerals to evangelize atheism. Rather, I would like to see the religious community realize how gauche it is to exploit the vulnerable.
I’d also like to be able to fly, as long as I’m wishing.
I think I mentioned here how I was staying in a friend’s house, and was too lazy to open the curtains in a front room that I never used. Closed curtains being a signal of a death, I had the JWs at the door within a couple of hours.
The way the believers see this thing is a bit different. Suppose your S.O. has fallen into a fast-flowing river leading to a waterfall. You see a low bridge where you can lie and grab her as she floats past. The god-botherers see a bereavement as that bridge, offering them the best chance of rescuing a person from going over the falls, ie, eternal damnation. Given their absurd point of departure, their vulturing is actually rational and altruistic.
Point of information, mainstream Protestantism actually believes that the deceased is gone, too. Then comes the Resurrection, followed by Judgement (you are judged in your new body), whence heaven and hell (also in your new body). The popular perception that you go immediately to your ultimate destination as a disembodied soul is, in terms of the official theology, just plain wrong. But then again, as you pointed out earlier, popular religion also has dead loved ones coming back as guardian angels, which is equally bad doctrine. This is a synthetic religion of Christianity and Hollywood, let’s call it Kitschianity……
Love your take on the euphemisms. Going to a better place? “When good Americans die, they go to Paris”
I think Grinebiter hit the nail on the head. Christians do not see reaching out to bereaved people as a sinister play on emotional suffering. They are acutely aware that many people lack the worldly toolkit to deal with extraordinary circumstances and honestly feel they are doing these people a favor by offering spiritual support. I can see how this appears to be preying on emotional insecurities but it makes perfect sense to a Christian.
Just as “there are no atheists in foxholes”, Christians have witnessed that there are no fulfilled former atheists/agnostics in their pews. Every single Christian who claims the were once a “worldly sinner” has a conversion story that involves a heap of pain and suffering that God helped to carry them through. My mother-in-law went from Weekend Catholic to Alpha Course within months of her father’s death. The most fundie friend I have is a recovering meth addict. I am not aware of one reformed atheist who has a wonderful family and successful life who just felt “there was something missing”.
As a species we are ill-equipped to deal with change alone. I find it difficult to believe that a “proselytizing” Christian sees this as anything but a chance to help the affected person deal with their suffering.
Atheism, though likely a much healthier way to deal with your problems than lumping them on a quite busy God, does require more individual effort and thus may seem less attractive as a solution then leaving it in God’s hands.
“There are no atheists in foxholes.”
This is silly except in the sense that war isn’t generally fought from foxholes anymore and there are likely no Christians in foxholes either. I have personal experience of atheists facing death with serenity and magnanimity. Those who can’t imagine that need to get out a little more. Honestly the idea of eternal life has zero appeal to me and strikes me as adolescent. Although I’m in no rush and have things to do in the meantime, I expect death to come as something of a relief, whenever it occurs.
Well, you can’t actually experience death (as opposed to the preceding process of dying), since wherever death is, you are not. But I concur about the idea of eternal life being adolescent, or worse. Metempsychosis makes no philosophical sense to me at all, but at least it makes some emotional sense, avoiding as it does the question of what you are supposed to DO all eternity.
As for foxholes, they tell me that soldiers don’t die calling on the Deity, but rather for their mamas. If they have time, their last words are not generally “The Lord is my shepherd” but rather “Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit….”
No, you’re right, they don’t. I said so in the original post. But they should, or at least acknowledge that bereavement is a tacky time to bring it up. It’s like a car salesman passing out business cards at the scene of a car crash.
Have you ever heard about the fact to respect the way the people think? That doesn’t mean that you’ve to agree. I’m christian, and to be honest you don’t know too much about it. If you haven ‘t got faith, doesn’t mean that who believe in something is a moron. Do not judge someone if you don’t want to be judged. If I’m a salesman or worse, what sort of people are you? I could be rude now as all of you have been. That is too easy for me… next time you start to comment on something count till 10, then start to think about if what you’re going to write is not going to be offensive… As someone once said, sometimes ignorance is bless!
Peace and love “enlightened” people
[...] got this comment yesterday on the Vultures for Jesus post, by someone calling himself 404: Have you ever heard about the fact to respect the way the [...]
@404
Congratulations, you earned an entire blog post: Ignorance is bless